Busting Out and Reflections

This journey and dream has been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  I've grown significantly as a poker player over the last few months and have had plenty of time to access all my mistakes.  I realized at the start of this venture that it was a risk but I don't think I properly understood what I was attempting to do. 

There is a difference between having a job and playing poker on the side and winning vs. solely being a poker 'pro'. 

The other problem I had was thinking that I was better than I was.  From the technical/proefficiency side, I believe i'm better than the average live player.  What was killing me was the non-technical aspects of poker.  Emotional control is key and I think that I let the pressure of this venture get to me.  I have a mountain of debt, and so, my mindset has been on accumulating as much money as possible in the shortest amount of time.  So, I was playing underrolled, taking shots, and getting into high variance situations where even though I was ahead equity wise, from a Risk of Ruin Standpoint I could not tolerate the risk.

And so, I ended up going busto several times, losing an entire day's profit (up to 25% of my bankroll) in one hand, over and over and over again.  And there are only so many times you can do that before you bust out.

So, then I had no choice but to retreat to online poker and grind out the micros.  This was perhaps the hardest and most humbling thing.  Playing for pennies as if your life depends on it because mine did.

To further complicate matters, my computer was having severe problems with Poker Tracker.  For some wierd reason, Poker Tracker made my computer crash and I had to delete it.  So, not only do I have to grind online but i have to do it without a HUD.

So, I grinded it out, put together another live roll, although meager, and took another shot.

Things started out good and then I let the pressure get to me.  I had one day where I lost a couple of buy-ins and then thought that I can make it back on the blackjack table.  Dear god was that the worst decision I ever made.  There is enough variance in poker without having to add to it with a fucking table game.  What on earth was I thinking?

Well, truth was I wasn't.  I was desperate and when you are desperate you make mistakes.  So, between that, a little bit of runbad, and some variance, there went my second attempt at making a run at this.

Busted again, had to retreat back to online micros.

I also had to take a step back and do some serious soul searching. 

The truth is that I did not have what it took to be a poker pro.  The evidence was undeniable.  I was losing.  I was tilting, I was taking shots, I was gambling with fucking blackjack...

So I started over.  I completely deconstructed my game and built it back up from the ground floor.  Grabbed "Poker and the Art of Zen" as well as "Harrington's on Cash Games" and a host of articles on the web. 

During this time, I was grinding it out again on the micros.  And I can say unequivocally that playing cash games online is not for me.  There are plenty of people out there killing the game online, but for me, it is ardous.  The screen makes my eyes hurt, it is so boring, and it is hard for me to focus.  Even when my life hinges on every little decision I make, its soooo hard to focus. 

So, I decided to cash out and try again for a third time. 

I revamped my game.  Internally, I've also made changes.  I've hopefully gotten rid of some ego and overconfidence that was the problem.  I also do a lot of meditation during the day and before I go to bed.

Lastly, I've talked to my backer and we have decided to reset this whole venture starting November 1st.  She has been very supportive throughout this whole ordeal so hopefully I can do right by her and show her that her confidence wasn't misplaced.